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Essay: Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby. (Because Your Parents Are Too Scared To Do It)

Contains Mature and Explicit Content




I was born into a born-again Christian AND Filipino family. So you know immediately ang level sa pagka-conservative sa akong flavor. At a very young age, you are exposed to a culture nga “What would Jesus think about you doing that?” or the more aggressive version, ”You will burn in the fiery pits of hell if you don’t stop what you’re doing, child”. Truth is, even to this day na grown-up nako and I’ve started making choices for myself; naa gihapon nang tingog naga-whisper sa akoa nga, “Sure gyud ka nga muinom ka ana?” moving closer and closer to my ear as I become more sure, “Impyerno, Impyernoooooo”.


Don’t get me wrong, ha. I’m still a Christian. And hopefully, dili ni siya blasphemy akoang ginabuhat. Dili man siguro no? I’m just stating the facts: what we are today is informed by how we were brought up as children. And what I am today is a neurotic, awkward person; still iffy to talk about sex. So please, lend me at least mga two minutes of your time. This could just end as a boring piece about a sex-deprived 24-year-old dude, but at least know that it took all of my soul and being just to write about this.



BLISSFULLY UNAWARE OF MY BODY ODOR

As a kid, I remember not really understanding the concept of sex as a thing that exists. Around Grade Four, nagsugod na ang hormones sa akoang mga classmates (boobs, pimples and body odor). And by that time, naa na’y mga lessons about sa Reproductive System sa amoang mga libro. And still, even nga naa nako in the midst of it, dim gihapon siya nga concept para sa akoa. Mga words lang siya sa libro. Science lang nga mudako ang totoy sa mga babae or mutangkad ming mga lalake. Until, I discovered masturbation. Well, I fell in love and then discovered masturbation.


THE THINGS WE DO FOR LOVE


Young me was a fat little dumpling child, bless him. Taba-taba lang to siya pero he always knew what to do. He didn’t care what anybody thought and he just went about his day, studying, submitting his assignments, answering his exams, and playing games with his friends. Little did he know, he would one day fall in love. Suddenly, he began being concerned about how he looked. He just didn’t go about his day studying, submitting his assignments, answering his exams, and playing games with his friends anymore. He now had his first love to worry about. Long story short, tungod aning first love niya, na-aware siya pinakalit sa iyahang ka taba and sa tanang mga insecurities ning bubble up sa surface and for the first time, wala na siya kabalo sa iyahang buhaton with these new emotions. So he decided not to act on them. 


But as fate would have it, magpacheck up siya one day to find na taas diay iyahang blood sugar level. And so, nakakita na siya ug reason para mag diet. Kada buntag naga-push up na siya and naga-sit up. He started running around the house on weekends; until eventually, he lost weight. Wala siya kabalo nga all-consuming diay ning love business. He begins to feel that he's not doing enough because even nga namayat na siya, dili gihapon niya makuha iyahang first love to look at him that way.


ANG COUSIN NGA NAA’Y ABS

Summer after grade four, natabaan gihapon siya sa iyahang kaugalingon. One day, while nag-family outing sila sa dagat, narealize niya nga naa’y abs iyahang cousin. Just to remind you, naa na siya sa era sa High School Musical ug mga Zac Efrons of the world, so of course siya na ang nahimo ug golden standard for teenage boys to look like. So gi-approach niya iyahang cousin ug gipangutana kung gi-unsa niya “pagkuha ug abs” as if mapalit ra siya sa tindahan ang mapapilit sa imong tiyan. 


Ang gitubang sa cousin kay kinahanglan ka everyday mag “lo-lo”, nga kinahanglan naa’y “tos” mugawas. 


“Kabalo man ka unsa nang tos, no?” 


Nitubag siya, “Tos? Oo.”


Sa tinood lang, wala siya kabalo pero dili siya gusto ingnan nga ignorante siya so nagpahawud-hawud na lang siya; atik-atik ug tando para dili ingnun ug ignorante. 


Nagfollow-up question siya. 


Ana siya, “Diba kanang lo-lo kay kanang exercise mana?” Nikatawa iyahang ig-agaw. Grabe na iyahang kaulaw at this point. 


“Dulai lang na imohang tin-tin. Mukatol na siya. Ayaw lang undang hangtod dili mawala ang ka-katol. Up-down-up-down lang.” Nikatawa na pud iyahang ig-agaw ug siya, wala gihapon siya nakasabot. 


For him at that time, gitripan lang siya sa iyahang cousin. “Up-down-up-down...unya magka-abs na dayon? Pagsure oy.”


A BIT MORE AWARE THAN I USED TO BE

Sugod ato, wala na siya nangayo ug advice sa iyahang mga ig-agaw ever again. Ug, for a while, he would put that advice at the back of his brain as he began another school year. Grade five na siya and as he went on living his life, nagka-anam-anam na’g sugod iyahang curiosity ug awareness sa word nga “lo-lo”. 


Suddenly, mapansin na niya nga ginaingon na siya sa iyahang mga classmate nga lalake. Panagsa mangatawa pa sila kada-hisgutan nila ang “paglo-lo”. Pero still, he just carried on with his life; focusing on his studies and being hopelessly in love with his first love. 


Until one day, nag recess sila. Gikan siya sa canteen kay nagpalit siya sa iyahang snacks. Pagbalik niya sa classroom, natingala siya nga nagtapok tanang lalake. Maskin katong mga bright nga dili kaayo gasabay-sabay sa mga pasaway niya nga classmate. Out of curiosity, ni-join siya sa crowd. And then almost immediately, gibutang dayon siya sa hotseat. 


“Ayaw kalain ha?” ana akoang isa ka putot nga classmate. Nakulbaan siya and also naa pud part sa iyaha nga murag nafeel niya nga one of the boys siya for the first time. Hilom kaayo sila; a few chatters sa side pero mostly eager na maminaw. 


“Naka-lo-lo na ka?” And then suddenly, nakulbaan siya. Wala siya kabalo sa iyahang iingon. Dili siya gusto mangatik pero dili pud niya gusto iwaste ang opportunity to belong. 


Naghulat sila. Ang uban klaro kaayo naa na’y mga conclusions gipang-form sa ilahang mga utok. “Uhh…” Unsa akong iingon? Paghuna-huna ug tarong sa imohang itubag. Ayaw pagdali ug t-


”Wala pa.” Nangatawa sila. Gikataw-an siya nila. Gikataw-an ko nila. Ana akong isa ka taba nga classmate, “Awa lage, bayot lage na siya.” Wala ko kasabot sa akong gibati. 


Niingon lang man ko sa tinood. Bayot na dayon ko. Napuno ko sa kalagot. Isa gyud ko ka adlaw nga wala’y participate-participate sa mga klase and kabalo ‘to akoang mga teachers nga dili gyud ko ma zerohan sa participation. Naglagot lang ko nganong kataw-anan ang muingon og tinood. Naglagot lang ko nganong nahimo ko’g kalit og bayot when I was just trying to be honest.


CARELESS CARE(LE)SS



Pagka-ugma, Sabado, naremember nako ang giingon sa akoang ig-agaw “Dulai lang na imohang tin-tin. Mukatol na siya. Ayaw lang undang hangtod dili mawala ang ka-katol. Up-down-up-down lang.”


Mao ‘to ang adlaw. Maglo-lo ko atong adlawa. I will prove to them na dili ko bayot. Niadto ko sa banyo para maligo. Giandar nako ang shower ug gisugdan na nako ug dula akoang tin-tin. Sure enough, nikatol gyud siya. Pero lahi siya nga katol. Kanang murag sa sulod siya. Kanang dili nimo makita asa gikan. Dili siya parehos sa mga pinaakan sa lamok nga naa’y satisfying feeling pag makatol nimo siya. Nakulbaan ko kay basig mali akoang ginabuhat, pero ang giingon sa akoang ig-agaw kay dili muundang hangtod dili mawala ang katol. Mao ‘to, nipadayon ko. Up-down-up-down. The more ko nagpadayon, the more siya niinit. Nakulbaan ko basig nasamad nako sa sulod or basig na “guba akoang tin-tin”. At this point, katol na gyud kaayo siya ang akoa nang gipaspasan. Naghilak nako og sugod kay basig mamatay nako. Wala gyud nako giundangan og gipiyong lang nako akong mga mata. Madunggan nako ang tingog sa akoang ig-agaw. 


“Mukatol na siya...” 

“Ayaw lang undang hangtod dili mawala…” “Up-down-up-down…”


Nagpadayon ko hangtod nafeel nako nga niinit akoang kamot at the same time, na feel nako nga murag naa’y hole nga ni-open suddenly sa akoang chest. Wala nako giabri akoang mata dayon. Nahadlok ko nga basig namatay nako or dugo ang init sa akoang kamot. Nafeel pa gihapon nako ang shower nga naga-igo sa akoang panit. Madunggan gihapon nako ang tubig nga naga-agas. Pero nakulbaan gihapon ko nganong murag naa’y buslot sa akoang dughan. Gihinay-hinay nako ug abri akoang mga mata — one eye at a time. Nitan-aw ko sa ubos sa akoang kamot. Nadunggan napud nako ang tingog sa akoang ig-agaw, “Tos.” 


Ingon ani ang tos? Transparent nga shampoo?


Gitan-aw dayon nako akoang tiyan kay basig katong hole nga na feel nako earlier kay akong abs nga nitubo. Wala gihapon. Gitan-aw nako ang lagkit nga shampoo sa akoang kamot unya akong gisimhot. Pinakalit dayon nako siya gihugasan sa sabon. Nakafeel ko kalit og ulaw. Nakafeel ko nga bugnaw sa akoang tiil. Ang buslot sa akoang chest? Wala siya nawala. Even to this day, naa gihapon siya. Gipaspasan nako ug ligo kay nanuktok na akoang nanay. Ikapila ko nakalo-lo atong adlawa. Wala ko kasabot nganong dili mawala ang katol maskin nigawas na ang tos.


THE HOLE IN MY CHEST



A year later, wala gihapon nawala ang hole sa akoang dughan. Before I did it, abi nako’g ikaisa lang siya buhaton sa imohang kinabuhi; bale one-and-done. Wala ko kabalo nga dili na diay ka makaundang ever. That even if you tried your hardest, some of your days would just be filled with thoughts of you itching the itch. What even sucks is, at that time, I still go to church and join youth gatherings and bible studies where they say “sala ang masturbation”, “sala ang fornication”. And at that time, I would be so ashamed of myself for doing it. And because of that shame, the hole just got bigger.


WHAT NOW?


So as I kid, I’ve always heard of “sex videos” and “porn” and was, to an extent, aware of how taboo it was. So, I sort of childishly decided to myself that I would be a different kind of masturbate-or; na pag mag masturbate ko, dili ko mutan-aw og porn like other hormonal teenagers. I would be a “Christian masturbate-or” and I would just watch lowkey “love scenes'' from movies. In my mind, I wasn’t seeing boobs or penises so that’s probably the lowest form of fornication; and therefore, I sin less. It still amazes me to this day how we humans find different ways of excusing ourselves. So that was what I did — I watched a LOT of love scenes on youtube. 

Until one night, my dad walked in on me. Mind you, ang among computer kay katong mga early 2000s PC units nga dagko kaayo ang mga monitor. So yeah, klaro kaayo pag sulod ni papa kung unsa akong ginatan-aw. And him, being the Christian father that he is, and probably scared of seeing this development unraveling before his eyes (and also probably kay nakita ko niya as a baby and grabe siguro ang turmoil nga iyahang na feel while seeing his baby boy now masturbating and watching lude videos), nag “Pssst!” lang siya sa ako; and almost I immediately scrambled to close the video and also tuck my dick back inside my shorts.


THE TALK

Hours later, nisulod og balik akoang papa sa kwarto. I remember just thinking, “Mamatay nako karong adlawa.” Pero, he was surprisingly calm and just talked to me about the title of the song I was playing earlier. It was Jonas Brothers’ When You Look Me In The Eyes.


I was a kid, and it was just his way of opening me up for the eventual awkwardness that was the not-sex talk. Anyway, he sat down next to me on the bed and awkwardly just elbowed me. 


And told me, “Kung gusto ka mangutana about sex sa akoa, ingna lang ko ha?” I nodded but I never asked. 


And I probably never will again; because he is unfortunately missing-in-action after sila nagbulag sa akong mama. And, believe it or not, this is really the point of this weird article you’re reading. If you’re a parent, talk to your child. The sex talk isn’t just a one-and-done. It’s constant discussion about consent, and respecting their sex partner, and just everything in general. 

Kids, talk to your parents please. If you’re confused about sex or just need advice about life, talk to them. They know about it. You wouldn’t be here today, reading this crappy article if they didn’t know about it. Don’t make your friends an option if you can help it. Because they are just as naive as you are. And if you can’t talk to anyone, talk to someone older and wiser than you. We need to become a society that encourages unprejudiced discussions about safe sex. 


Because if we don’t change the way we talk about it, we won’t stop the endless cycle of rape cases and unwanted pregnancies in this country. And no, safe sex isn’t just about putting on a condom or being on the pill. Safe sex is about comfort and being ready. Safe sex is about consent — a solid “yes” and not a vague “I don’t know, maybe?” Safe sex is about respect to what your partner’s willing to share with you and what you’re willing to share with them. So please kids and parents, TALK TO EACH OTHER.

As for me, that “hole” I kept talking about earlier? It never went away. I don’t know. Basig ako ra ang nakabati ani. Maybe others don’t feel it or will never feel it. But to me, it’s there and it’s always lurking… always waiting for me to finish masturbating so it can immediately feed on my pleasure and turn it into guilt or shame. It grows bigger by the day and I’m afraid that one day, it might grow so big that it consumes all of me. And then what? What do I do when that happens? What would be left of me? I guess I’ll never know and that hole will probably never go away.


P.S. I think my dad watched sex videos after ko niya nasakpan? Kay the day after ato, pag-tan-aw nako sa akoang youtube search history, naa’y search entry nga “sex vedios”. First of all, kabalo ko mag-spell ug “videos”. Second, I told you that I only looked for love scenes so I couldn’t have been the one who did that. Papa, if you’re reading this and somehow ma-discover nimo nga ako ni, there’s a feature in your browser that’s called either “Incognito” or “Private Browsing”. You might want to look into that.



Artwork by Joel Parojinog Jr.


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